The Hidden Fence

I admit, this is advertisement for an airline here in my blog. But the reason for this is not that they are the best, fastest or most friendly airline; it is their announcements that have to be mentioned here!

Have you ever listened to those boring safety instructions on EasyJet, Swiss or what ever airline you were flying? I suppose not. Well, the South African low price airline Kulula has found a way to attract your attention.

I have put together parts of their announcements on my two last flights from Johannesburg to George and back.

Now travellers, safety is very important, so please listen up. Ensure that any hand luggage does not block the aisles or the exits. […] For take-off and landing your tray table should be folded away, you seat back upright, the armrest down and your seat-belt should be fastened around those gorgeous hips. Now for our first time fliers: your seat-belt is fastened, adjusted and released. Whenever the fasten seat-belt signs are on, please return to your seat and fasten your seat-belt securely.

The safety card in your seat pocket is not a menu, but will give you [information about] escape routes, oxygen masks and floatation devices. It also shows the emergency landing brace position. Now there are many ways to leave your lover, but only eight ways to leave this aircraft. The crew will point them out to you now: there are two doors in the front, four over-wing exits and two doors in the back. […]

In the very, very unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, free oxygen will be provided. Oxygen masks will pop out automatically on both sides of the aircraft. Stop screaming and pull the mask towards you with a sharp [jerk] to activate the flow of oxygen. Then quickly cover your mouth and nose and breath normally. Please assist follow passengers and children if necessary.

Because we fly over the Hartbeespoort Dam, life jackets are stowed underneath your seat. On instructions of the crew, remove the jacket from the pouch, pull it over your head, fasten these straps around your waist and pull down on these straps to inflate the jacket. Do this only when you leave the aircraft. This [tube] is for inflation and this is the light to keep in contact.

But also other announcements are rather extraordinary:

Just a friendly reminder that this is a non-smoking flight and if you do try your luck, [we will] fine you 3000 Rand and for that price you might have flown SAA this afternoon. Cellphones and any other vibrating battery operated appliances interfere with the aircraft system and [ask you] to keep them switched off. - Now sit back, relax and enjoy your flight with us.

And before leaving the aircraft, we got another good advice:

When leaving the aircraft please make sure, you take all your belongings with, because anything left behind will be distributed [between] this crew. And if you still wish to leave anything behind, please make sure that it’s something the crew would want […]. No children, thank you! The crew wanna thank you for flying the easy way with us today […] and we hope to see you again on board very soon.

Now, you might think this is crazy, but on the flight back, it got even better:

Folks, thank you for making our airline your choice of travel on this super-holiday. […] Please make sure right now that your seat is in an upright position with the armrests down and also fold away the tray tables. […]

To be safe and secure in your seat, you have to fasten the seat-belt around those gorgeous hips. […] Your seat-belt is fastened, adjusted and released as demonstrated. Whenever the fasten seat-belt signs are on - bling - we may ask you to please return to your seat and fasten your seat-belt. The safety feature card in the seat pocket in front of you is not a menu - no-no - [it shows you the use of safety features like] escape routes, oxygen masks and flotation devices.
It will also show you the famous brace position that you must adopt in a event of an emergency landing. […] In the unlikely event of the Blue Bulls beating the Durban Sharks - eishhh - or in the unlikely event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop automatically from the panel above you on your left as well as on your right hand side. Now, stop screaming […], grab the mask, pull it towards you […], quickly cover your nose and mouth and breath normally.

On our way to Johannesburg, we will fly over the [Hartbeespoort] Dam. So in the unlikely event of water landing these Gucci life jackets are stowed under your seat. On instructions from the crew remove the jacket from its pouch, pull it over your head [and] fasten those tapes tightly around your waist. Very important, folks, only [when about] to jump into the water and swim, […] pull down on the red tags - shhhhhhhhhhh. […] And to inflate more, you’ve got a mouthpiece - blow, baby, blow!

And to keep in contact, you’ve got a light. Kulula customers, this light can last up to eight hours, thereafter it will be load-shedded. […]

Folks, cell phones, all makes of cell phones, even the big ones that can go to “in flight mode option” [interfere] with our avionic systems. So please keep them switched off. Even your blackberries, strawberries and the blueberries; keep them switched off. You may use your laptop computer, iPods, MP3 players, PSPs, lawn-mowers or washing machines, but only during the cruise stage of the flight.

And of course a few more jokes when landing:

Please remember to leave all those cellphones switched off until the aircraft doors are opened.
When you enter the airport building, remember that smoking, [bad] language and nose picking is only allowed in designated areas.

We also want to ask you not to pull funny faces to those Mango passengers as it is now considered a serious offence.

Please check the seat pockets and all around your seat for your personal belongings as anything left behind will be auctioned on our next flight to cover crew expenses. And if it is really nice, we will divide it amongst the crew. […]

If you are here on holiday, we don’t know why, [but we hope] that you will have a memorable experience. And if you are [getting] home, welcome back! We sincerely hope that you find your car where you parked it. And when you find your car, we hope that […] your radio will still be there.

On behalf of our captain […] and the rest of the Kululean crew we would like to thank you for flying the easy way with us today. We hope you had a fun flight and that we can welcome you on board of one of our flight in the very near future. Enjoy your week ahead […]. We hope to see you again. Good bye.

P.S.: Sorry for the gaps, it was not easy to understand everything in those noisy recordings.